the melodic news

us - OBAMA AHEAD IN POLLS

2008-09-28T05:14:00.011+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of Abba's Dancing Queen

McCain can't dance, McCain can't jive, he's not having the time of his life
See Barack, see that dude, gotta dig that mean machine

Friday night they had a debating show
Started with a friendly hello
Obama dressed really slick, getting in the swing
They're in a wrestling ring

John McCain couldn't beat that guy
He's tool old and his joints have gone awry
But with the right medication, everything might be fine
He thinks he can advance
But he has no chance

Because his running mate, has sealed his fate, Sarah Palin
John McCain's election campaign is failin'
He can try, he can strive, if he can stay alive
In the polls, McCain knows, he is trailin'

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

uk/france - HUMAN JET TO CROSS CHANNEL

2008-09-25T05:59:00.007+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of Wings' Jet

Jet! The G-force is making me pull funny faces
Flyin’ like a mastiff bat
Flyin’ a bit close to a hot air balloon
And jet, I thought the only
Lonely place was in a Cessna
Jet! Jet!

Jet! Two wings and four motors I’ll see you later
You think I am crazy I bet
Well, I’m not an evil dictator
Just a human jet!
Jet! Jet!

See you later, in Dover I really hope
See you later, in Dover I really hope
Bye bye monsieur, hello Dover

Jet! With the wind on my bald head it’s pretty cold
Climb on my back and we'll
Go for a ride in the sky
And jet, I’ll see you in Dover
I’m a human jet
Jet! Jet!

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

uk - ROAD RAGE WOMAN BURNS

2008-09-23T05:54:00.007+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of Fine Young Cannibals' She Drives Me Crazy

Drivin' along
A country road
Had a bad day
The anger flowed

Then a car came from behind
She completely lost her mind
She spun her wheel round and round
What a bloody awful sound

She drove like crazy
Like no one else
She drove like crazy
She couldn't help herself

The wheels sparked
She stayed inside
"I wanna go
for a fiery ride"

Car caught fire she wouldn't move
Everyone was rather surprised
Very quickly the flames grew
There was nothing anyone could do

She drove like crazy
Like no one else
She drove like crazy
She couldn't help herself

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

uk - WAR HERO DROPS MEDALS IN THAMES

2008-09-20T06:10:00.007+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of David Bowie's Heroes

He
He wished he could swim
Someone else
Got his medals for him
They fell
Into the river
Made his knees
All a quiver
And he is a hero
For more than a day

He
He is a king
And we
We are not queens
He's Charlie
He's a young 93
He is a hero
For you and me
He got his medals
Out of the sea

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

uk - LIFE AFTER BANKING

2008-09-19T08:00:00.009+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of The Clash's I Fought the Law

Gamblin’with money well it was fun
I was a banker but the bank’s gone
I was a banker but the bank’s gone

I had loads of money now I got none
I was a banker but the bank’s gone
I was a banker but the bank’s gone

I’ve lost my job and it feels so bad
Guess my time was done
T’was the best that I ever had
I was a banker but the bank’s gone
I was a banker but the-

Livin’ in my own money bubble
I was a banker but the bank’s gone
I was a banker but the bank’s gone

I lost my job now I’m in trouble
I was a banker but the bank’s gone
I was a banker but the bank’s gone

I’m up shit creek and I feel so sad
This really isn’t fun
It was the best job that I ever had
I was a banker but the bank’s gone
I was a banker but the-

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

uk - LIB DEM LEADER'S BLUNDER

2008-09-18T02:30:00.007+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of Rolf Harris's Jake the Peg

I'm Nicky Clegg, deedle eedle eedle um,
On my face there’s egg, deedle eedle eedle um.
I am the leader of my party
And everybody says to me
You’re Nicky Clegg, deedle eedle eedle um
On your face there’s egg, deedle eedle eedle um

Only the other day, oh boy, a question they asked me
Related to the pension, I had no idea you see
About 30 quid I said, in my brain there was a fog
It’s three times more than that, the interviewer said
Now they call me Clegg the clog

I'm Nicky Clegg, deedle eedle eedle um,
On my face there’s egg, deedle eedle eedle um.
I am the leader of my party
And everybody says to me
You’re Nicky Clegg, deedle eedle eedle um
On your face there’s egg, deedle eedle eedle um

My little party’s dreadful, really
Though I regard it with affection
But reality we have to face
We won’t win the election

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

china - TOXIC MILK IN CHINA

2008-09-17T15:22:00.009+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of Arctic Monkeys' Mardy Bum

It tastes like milky rum
I drank it down
And it's like my insides have come undone

I start to cough
And my speech went all slurred
I'd rather have a chocolate fondue
A dish I much prefer
It's one that I'd eat on a picnic ground
But this milk is causin' my skin
To go a funny shade of brown

And then my guts, went up up and away
But I can hardly remember
Cos it was last Saturday the poor baby threw its guts
And looked a tad withdrawn

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

uk/france - FIRE IN CHANNEL TUNNEL

2008-09-12T06:47:00.005+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of Kaiser Chief's I Predict a Riot

People goin’ to Francey
For a little bit of cheesey
People they want some red winey
They prefer the red to the whitey

A friend of a friend was on the train
Apparently his name was Wayne
He was with his wife Elaine
And then the big bang came

Fire in the tunnel
Fire in the tunnel
Fire in the tunnel
Fire in the tunnel

Passengers stuck on the train
In Paris they’re all delayed
Things getting’ a little bit smoky
It’s all lookin’ a bit ropey

It was a bit of a close scrape
Everyone’s in really good shape
Luckily they could all escape
And get some of that Chardonnay grape

Fire in the tunnel
Fire in the tunnel
Fire in the tunnel
Fire in the tunnel

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

uk - COP DRESSES AS BIN LADEN

2008-09-11T12:58:00.005+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of The Monkees' Daydream Believer

I dressed up as Osama
Now there's all this drama
P'raps I shoulda been the Dalai Lama

But to my genuine surprise
It's me you now despise
The media's gone crazy and it stinks

Cheer up, can't you see
It is not obscene
For a British bobby
Who's not a raving queen

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

north korea - JONG-IL NOT ILL

2008-09-10T13:29:00.005+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of Lionel Richie's All Night Long

Well my friends I feel just fine
Despite the gas in my intestine
Western media usual dung
Let the meal go on
(Go on, go on)

I'm the Dear Leader and I'm feelin' good
I'm a guy who's greatly misunderstood
I'm feelin' jolly
Salami, pastrami, delighted
Really love eatin' food!
I'm feelin' jolly
Salami, pastrami, delighted
Really love eatin' food!

Kim Jong-Il (is not ill)
Kim Jong-Il (is not ill)
Kim Jong-Il (is not ill)

I'm on vacation I'm takin' a rest
I'll soon be back and will give my best
I'm havin' stew and wine and meat
Let the waiter bring it on
(It on, it on)

Not ready to depart
But ready for another lemon sole
And maybe one more of those spring rolls
I'm gonna party
Flatulence, pyrosis, it's hurtin'
Please loosen my tight thong

Kim Jong-Il (is not ill)
Kim Jong-Il (is not ill)
Kim Jong-Il (is not ill)
Kim Jong-Il (is not ill)

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

canada - OASIS STAR NOEL ATTACKED

2008-09-09T04:13:00.007+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of Oasis's Wonderwall

Today was the bloody day
Where I was pushed off a stage
Didn't know what the bloody hell hit me
Sent my brother into a rage
I don’t know why anybody
Would wanna push me off a bloody stage

Back hurt, got a bit of whiplash
Could hear Liam startin’ to shout
My face smashed onto some speakers
I felt like a bit of a trout
I wonder why somebody
Went and pushed me off a bloody stage

And for a second I thought it was Bonehead
“Look out I think it’s Guigsy,” someone else said
There are many things that I would
Like to do to that
Bloody guy who pushed me

Because my face
Was smashed up against some speakers
And after that
On my face I felt flat

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

us - GLORY BECKONS FOR MURRAY

2008-09-08T07:28:00.004+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of A-ha's Take On Me

I am Murray
I really like my style of play
Federer is my prey
He doesn’t have a chance I tell you
He’s running away
I’ll be right behind you Rodg OK?

Take me on
Take me on
I will’ve won
In a day or two

The future’s here today me and Rodg are friends
But it’s here, judgement day
For Rodg I have a communiqué
Say after me
I’m gonna win and you’ll be really sorry

Take me on
Take me on
I will’ve won
In a day or two

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

switz - WORLD TO END ON WEDNESDAY

2008-09-07T07:21:00.005+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of Englebert Humperdinck's Release Me

This Wednesday, it's the end
For they will make small black holes
The world will be sucked inside out
The world will end it's beyond doubt

A black hole is not a toy
Being sucked into one I won't enjoy
But I'll try to smile and will not cry
Bye bye, everyone, bye bye

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

libya - GADDAFI HAS A LAUGH WITH RICE

2008-09-06T10:23:00.006+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of Neil Diamond's I Am I Said

Gaddafi's fine, he's a good guy most of the time
And he's pretty much laid back
But as you know, a long time ago
We thought he was a bit of a
Trouble-making scumbag

Well he's Tripoli born and raised
And nowadays, he acts so nice
He always smiles, and says sweet things
He's even nice to Condoleeza Rice

“I'm nice,” he said
To Condo Rice
And she smiled back to him
Despite his odd hair
“I'm nice,” he cried
“I know,” she lied
Cos she knows about the human rights abuses

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

uk - ICE DOWNED BA JET

2008-09-05T06:26:00.004+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of Rod Stewart's I am Sailing

It’s not flying, it’s not flying
Through the sky, we're goin' down
It’s not flying, something’s wrong
What’s that strange, engine sound?

Can you hear it? Can you hear it?
We are dropping, like a stone
Ears popping, stomach turning
We are going, to hit the ground

Investigation, said the cause was
A block of ice, in the fuel
But I do think, to tell the truth
It sounds a lot like, a load of bull

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

japan - EMBARRASSMENT FOR JAPANESE POLICE

2008-09-04T05:50:00.004+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of Van Morrison's Brown Eyed Girl

They got a phone call
Dead body been found
Down by the river
The legs and arms bound
Cops down there real quick ha, ha
Drinkin’ some soda pop
Body in a sleepin’ bag
Took it to the cop shop and then
Made a phone call
To the pathologist

Pathologist arrived
Walkin’ oh so slow
He’s a laid back guy for sure
With a Sony radio
Took a closer look at the body
While thinkin’ ‘bout baseball
And then he realised
The body’s a blow-up doll, oh no
My blow-up doll
You my blow-up doll

The people of Japan, started to sing
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hi ha

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired:

uk - RECESSION LOOMING

2008-09-03T04:20:00.003+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of The Stranglers' Golden Brown

Gordon Brown feeling the heat
Facing likely election defeat
Can’t sleep at night
Nothing going right
I’m feelin’ sorry for Gordon Brown

His chancellor’s not helpin’ out
Gordon’s pissed off, of that there’s no doubt
Just needs some luck
To get out of the mud
On his face a frown, poor Gordon Brown

It’s coming soon, a recession
But there’s little he can do

At best
Just run away
Do it today
Just resign now, dear Gordon Brown

Always a frown
With Gordon Brown
Always a frown
Poor Gordon Brown

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

us - SARAH PALIN SCRUTINISED

2008-09-02T03:46:00.002+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of Paul McCartney's Mull of Kintyre

Her name is Palin
But it’s lookin’ like it was a
Hasty decision
P’raps you should have
Mulled it over

Far she hasn’t traveled, and not too much seen
Wasilla City Hall is the size of a bean
She is a lady I guess that’s why they chose her
As she becomes the focus of the hostile media

Sarah Palin
Your city hall is so small
You see, it could be
A bit of a problem
Oh, Sarah Palin

She is pro-life, that’s clear to see
Cos she’s got five kids which is two more than three
If McCain cops it cos he’s an old man
It would be Palin carryin’the can

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

us - MCCAIN LOOKING CONCERNED

2008-09-01T02:44:00.004+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of The Troggs' Love Is All Around

He’s doin’ what he can
I’m talkin’ ‘bout McCain
He’s down in Mississippi
Don’t wanna look too lame

Instead he looks too keen
Some people just don’t know
They don’t know if he means it
Or if it’s just a show

He says he loves you and always will
He may be old but his feelings are real
But Gustav’s comin’, it’s a category four
McCain’s convention will be no more

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

uk - COW'S HEAD STUCK IN WASHING MACHINE

2008-08-31T13:47:00.005+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of U2's Mysterious Ways

A cow got its head
Stuck in a washing machine
Maybe it was simply
Tryin' to get clean

It was really curious
'Bout the cleaning device
It went to take a look
And got a real big surprise

It's sticking
It's head inside
The machine
Oh no
“Help me” it cried

It's not all right, not all right, not all right
Its head's stuck in a washing machine
It's not all right, not all right, not all right
It's a cow and it's not meant to be

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

us - HURRICANE GUSTAV HEADS FOR NEW ORLEANS

2008-08-30T04:05:00.007+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of Coldplay's Yellow....

Look at the clouds
They're comin' right our way
Gonna dump their rain
Yeah on all of us again

Levies I hope
Hold good and strong this time
I hope there is no crime
Yeah after Gustav has gone

But what a name
Oh what a silly name
Why don't they have a better one
Something like, oh something like
A normal name like Mike

Sandbag your home
And go upstairs real soon
And take some wellington boots
Cos heavy rain is comin'

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired:

us - OBAMA SPEECH MOVES MASSES

2008-08-29T08:56:00.009+01:00

To be sung to the tune of Cat Steven's Morning Has Broken

Barack has spoken, at the convention
Gave his big speech, to much applause
Praise for Barack, praise for Obama
Praise for the likely, next president

80,000, turned up to listen
To all his words, and Al Gore's too
Al Gore's a joker, he made a great gag
About recyclin', and everyone laughed

Barack's speech roused, people were crying
Tears of happiness, not cos they were hurt
McCain’s got a big job, ahead of him
Has he got the energy, cos he’s an old man

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

uk - HOUSE MARKET STILL BAD

2008-08-28T07:53:00.001+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of Joe Dolce's Ah, Shadduppa Ya Face

What’s the matter with, hey! The bloody house prices
Dropping like a brick. Everyone in debt.
Perhaps it’s not so bad. Oh shit, yes it is.
Ah, who gives a toss!

I cannot afford, hey! My pricey mortgage
And I lost my job. Haven’t told my wife.
Perhaps it’s not so bad. Oh shit, it really is.
Ah, who gives a toss!

It’ll be repossessed, hey! In the near future.
I’ll have to tell my wife. She won’t be too happy.
Oh shit, it’s really shit. It’s really really shit.
Ah, who gives a toss!

Petrol cost is up, I can’t afford to drive
I’ll have to sell the car, I’ll have to tell the wife
She won’t be too happy, she’ll say it’s really shit
And, she will be right!

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired:

us - HILLARY RALLIES BEHIND OBAMA

2008-08-27T07:05:00.007+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of the Beach Boy's Kokomo

Hillary, just gave a, re-a-lly big speech
She said that, she is proud, to-o support Obama
But I think, that she’s not, really bein’ honest

In downtown Denver
There’s a guy called Obama
That’s who you vote for if you wanna change it all

Clinton’s a bit peeved
That it is not her in the top spot
But it’s too late now
She’ll soon be the one we all forgot
Go Obama go

She really, did sound, totally committed
Even though, her teeth, appeared to be gritted
To Pensyl-, vania, Avenue Barack why don’t we go
Down to Washington
I would have been
An expert deputy
But you made you-u-r bed
Now you gotta lie in it

If you ever need me
Just call me or Billy
And soon enough we’ll be running the country

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired:

uk - NO MORE GIGS FOR GEORGE

2008-08-26T06:20:00.006+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of Wham's Wake Me Up

He’s well known around the globe
For his singing and not for his penchant to probe
He’s been in trouble with the police a few times
An indiscretion in a public toilet comes to mind
But now he’s gettin’ on
Wants to take a rest
He wants to retire with that there’s nothing wrong
Let him be, he wants to eat rye bread
And go off in his car, so he can smoke some more pot instead

George Michael is about to go-go
Gonna finish doin’ his live show-show
Had enough of singin’ on stage-stage
Wants to shave and remove his shade-shades

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

uk - GOVT LAPTOPS AND MOBILES GO MISSING

2008-08-25T02:39:00.001+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of the Rolling Stones' You Can't Always Get What You Want

I saw them today in the reception
A laptop and a mobile phone
They had details about the forthcoming election
And some info on the PM's gall stone

43 laptops in three years
43 laptops in three years
43 laptops in three years
And a whopping 94
Mobile phones

But when I went back to the reception
The laptop and the phone were gone
I looked around in every direction
Then I called the police from a public phone

That’s a lot of personal data
That’s a lot of personal data
That’s a lot of personal data
But I wonder where, I wonder where
They’ve all gone

Is it the same person taking them away
And storing them in their home
Have they opened a little computer shop
P'raps they’re sending them to some guy in Rome

43 laptops in three years
43 laptops in three years
43 laptops in three years
And a whopping 94
Mobile phones

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

china - THE BONKING OLYMPICS

2008-08-24T06:28:00.004+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of Enya's Orinoco Flow

They're all at it, they're all at it, they're all at in the village
Getting jiggy, getting jiggy, with all their pent up tension
With their medals, with their medals, dangling from their dillies
Doing things, doing things, doing things we can not mention

Intercourse, intercourse, intercourse
Intercourse, intercourse, intercourse
Intercourse, intercourse, intercourse
Intercourse, intercourse, intercourse

From Germany to Jamaica, letting loose their raging hormones
Cos when they sweat, when they sweat, they can smell those pheremones
From Canada to Korea, it's truly international
The friendship 'tween the nations, seems really rather rational

Intercourse, intercourse, intercourse
Intercourse, intercourse, intercourse
Intercourse, intercourse, intercourse
Intercourse, intercourse, intercourse

From Latvia to Sebia, they're widening their gene pool
There's saliva and some mucus, and a rather lot of drool
All those toned and fit bodies, it's no surprise they got the horn
So perhaps in nine months time, some new babies will be born

Intercourse, intercourse, intercourse
Intercourse, intercourse, intercourse
Intercourse, intercourse, intercourse
Intercourse, intercourse, intercourse

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired:

us - OBAMA CHOOSES RUNNING MATE

2008-08-23T08:01:00.004+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of Bruce Springsteen's Born in the USA

Barack's finally made up his mind
A running mate he's been able to find
He's a smart guy, from Delaware
And he almost has a full head of hair

Biden is his runnin' mate
Biden is his runnin' mate
Biden is his runnin' mate
Biden is his runnin' mate

But confidence is strong in Team McCain
The sun is shinin' and there's no more rain
They're movin' forward like a big steam train
As I type this they're orderin' champagne, 'cos

Biden is his runnin' mate
Biden is his runnin' mate
Biden is his runnin' mate
Biden is his runnin' mate

Is Obama losin' his nerve
Is his judgement startin' to swerve?
Has he made an error with this Biden man?
Has McCain got the upper hand?

Biden is his runnin' mate
Biden is his runnin' mate
Biden is his runnin' mate
Biden is his runnin' mate

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that inspired: HERE

uk - GARY GLITTER ARRIVES IN LONDON

2008-08-22T15:03:00.006+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of Thin Lizzy's The Boys are Back in Town

Guess who just got home today?
It's that guy who back in his day
Wore his clothes and hair in a crazy way
But hey, everybody did in those days

He served some years in an Asian jail
Crimes too severe to be let out on bail
He shaved his hair and grew a goaty beard
It made him look really crazy

The paedo's back in town
The paedo's back in town
I said
The paedo's back in town
The paedo's back in town
The paedo's back in town
The paedo's back in town
The paedo's back in town
The paedo's back in town

I wonder what he's gonna do now
Maybe he'll even shave off his left eyebrow
Or even start fiddlin' with a cow
Maybe he likes milkin'

The paedo's back in town
The paedo's back in town
I said
The paedo's back in town
The paedo's back in town
The paedo's back in town
The paedo's back in town
The paedo's back in town
The paedo's back in town

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

china - BOLT BREAKS 200 RECORD

2008-08-21T06:03:00.007+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of Billy Joel's Uptown Girl

Fast runner
He’s a really really fast runner
Makes funny faces just before the race
Then smashes records right into space

He ran the 200 in record time
Left the others crawlin’ over the line
He made it look damn easy, I thought
Or was it just that the track was too short?
His name is Bolt

How does he do it?
I don’t want to alle-e-e-dge
That he is taking
More than just fruit and ve-e-e-g

He’s only 22
So that means
He’ll get faster and faster
Running the 100 in five seconds flat
Or the 200 in the blink of an eye
I wanna see that before I die
See him fly.

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired:

russia - RUSSIA FLEXING MUSCLES

2008-08-20T02:45:00.007+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of The Beatles' We Can Work It Out

Try to see it our way
You invaded Iraq
And now you tell us what to do

Try to see it our way
We will soon get out
But we’re not listening to you

We don’t give a toss
What the hell you think

Life is very nice
And we have enough res-ouuuuu-rces
For fussing and fighting my friends

Our presence in the world
Is on the u-u-u-u-up
So just sit back and watch us win

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

us - US BANK GOING DOWN SOON

2008-08-19T13:10:00.007+01:00

....to be sung to the tune of Simon & Garfunkel's El Condor Pasa

Another bank is going to fail
Yes it is
If it does
We're up shit creek

A man called Rogoff gave the news today
Yes he did
He really did
We're up shit creek

The worst, the worst is yet to come
The big banks are
Teetering

The shares
In Fannie and Freddie
Are falling like
Bricks from a plane........bricks from a plane

The article that inspired: HERE
The song that conspired: HERE

uk - GREAT BRITAIN GREAT AGAIN

2008-08-19T12:41:00.001+01:00

...to be sung to the tune of Abba's Money Money Money

We are the Brits
We love to moan
We love to knife
And break your bones
I'm so glad

And there never seems to be
Any good news for you and me
I'm kinda glad

But then it came - the Beijing Games
With medals coming, down like rain
Sudden-ly the news was good
Things didn't feel the way they should

I'll have you have have you
If you look at
Me again

I'll do you do you do you
If you diss me
Any time

Aha-haaa
All the things I could do
If I had a sharp knife
And an innocent man

The article which inspired: HERE
The song which conspired: